Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.