Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
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Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician