“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou