We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
then why did i get this email