We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
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Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.