We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]