Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
I found your tweet-up…
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Running from your problems is cardio .
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
oh you wanna fight?!
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?