My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I have obtained a hat
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
181.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper