We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
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when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Venn
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
when there are deer in the woods
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.