@lonelydandruff: we r all Mehmet
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@TheMichaelRock: My boss said to "treat customers like you treat your mother", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.
@AGreaterMonster: If Twitter has taught me anything it's that the best career choice is divorce lawyer.
@squirrel74wkgn: [human resources] Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”? Rabbit (nervously): ...I was talking about my foot
@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: You say you're an atheist, yet you tell people they can "go to hell!" Make up your mind already.