This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
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Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.