We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
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CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy