We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
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A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight