We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
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“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Writing, She Murdered.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9