We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
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Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad