My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
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my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes