“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
These 3D printers are insane!
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“How’s your day going?”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
*seductively peels off lederhosen
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*