We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
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Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..