we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?