we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My five year plan is a meteorite
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL