we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Awwwww shit.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no