[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
You Might Also Like
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.