We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
PARKOUR
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes