@rzarosco: "We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys" said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
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@BackrowSeats: In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don't know how you eat that shit".
@MatCro: "Pete's coming for dinner tonight." "Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?" [Massive thud] "I'll just check."
@RuinMyWeek: I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait...
@moooooog35: Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly? Daughter: You're old, that's going to happen. Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.