We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
You Might Also Like
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Can’t. About to go please some beans
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.