We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
This will never not be funny 😭
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
*eats only grass-fed donuts
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’