My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
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Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
choose your gary
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun