pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
*mops up wine with cat*
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife