We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*