2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
You Might Also Like
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
c’mon!
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.