You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
You Might Also Like
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
is this a warning or an offer?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that