We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
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I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.