We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
LMAO
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
When you let grandma cat sit
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth