@Mr_Kapowski: We should've cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they're part of a Thriller flash mob
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@withanewname: [shopping] [wife being a real pain] Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
@causticbob: If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady... That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
@jordan_stratton: According to commercials, a woman's primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.