@Mr_Kapowski: We should've cremated Michael Jackson in case of the zombie apocalypse or else people will think they're part of a Thriller flash mob
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@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@Sickayduh: [Phone rings] Babysitter: Hello? Dude: Dont. Go. Upstairs. Babysitter: Wha.. What's upstairs? Dude: NOT MUCH, STAIRS, WHAT'S UP WITH YOU
@XAIMMadellynne: I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don't sleep with him. Long story short he pays for the taxi.
@KentWGraham: How can my wife's hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?