Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
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Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.