We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
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[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.