Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
brian had himself a morning…
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
From my Mom
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.