we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]