we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!