We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*me flirting
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The internet is magic sometimes.