We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
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*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.