We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
You Might Also Like
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
*weighs self after shaving
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do