We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
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No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
just got my engagement photos
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please