We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Tremendous stuff
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”