We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
If a snake ate a cake
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy