We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.