We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
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My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money