“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Lmaoo 😂
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are