“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.