We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
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I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.