We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
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“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.